Every word I say I say with earnest meaning

I thought this entry would have had a very different tone but once I turned thoughts into words, my anger and frustration gave way to what I have below. 

I don't know if she will ever read this but this is my way of expressing how I feel, to release some pent up feelings without burdening her any further. If she does read this, I hope she can see what I see. 

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Only once before have I ever been in such a pitiable situation and only once before have I been this miserable. I believed and trusted you; I opened myself up with all my heart, something I had not done in a very long time. I don't know since when but you brought a smile to an otherwise cloudy day; brought my heart out of its shadows. Just when I thought the sky was the limit, my heart was broken so easily into a thousand pieces. 

You claimed that as a friend you would be there for me when I needed you. How naive I must have been because when I needed a friend the most; when I needed you the most, you were not there. With the click of a button, I was gone. Friend removed, buddy blocked, all traces of me erased - with a click of a button. How easy it must have been. 

I thought I had found a friend. More than that, I thought I had found someone I could lean on in an otherwise empty law school. But no friend would have treated me the way that I have been treated. 

You. You don't care about how I feel. 

It's amusing to realize that you are feeling exactly how I've felt all these months. I too watch the stars pass over me; have the rain beat down on me and not having anything or anyone to look forward to except my own bed. Like you, I come home empty and lost, prepare my dinner with no one to share it with. I've sat alone too many times, staring at the wall across from me; the empty seat across from me, screaming to be used. 

Call me arrogant, boastful, or full of it, but know this: it's a crock if you don't think I don't have a sense of how you feel. I don't need a journal to tell me that. Others may only see your disguise but I see the girl behind the mask. 

You're defensive, selfish, and hypocritical. When anyone criticizes you, you are quick in challenging them or justifying your actions. When someone or something catches your attention, the world around you, including the people who inhabit it become yesterday's news. You claimed "at the end of the day, if you need someone, I'm there". But the truth of the matter is you weren't. 

At the same time you have been extremely unselfish. Amusing as it may be it is not hard to distinguish. Your work is important and ought to be recognized. But the work takes its toll. 

What I get is that you never intended to be so friendly and give me a false sense of closeness. Fair enough. I get it. But to treat me like I am a pariah, to say that I am trustworthy but that I am arrogant and treat you without the respect you think you deserve within a single breath speaks more about your defensiveness than it does about you never intending to lull me into thinking we were all that close. If I were arrogant, would I still feel the way I do? If I treated you without respect, would I still care? 

It wasn't your initial "over friendliness" and subsequent withdrawal that has hurt me deeply. It wasn't when you shared time with other people that has hurt me deeply. I was hurt deeply when you stopped treating me like a friend. My heart was broken when you confirmed we were no longer friends.

I understand that you want to be by yourself sometimes. But that doesn't mean you needed to stop treating me like a friend. What really hurt and confused me was when you said you needed to be by yourself yet treated everyone around you the same as if nothing had happened. Me? I was left out. 

Would anyone notice if I were to disappear? Probably not. 

I must be a fool because through all this, I still care. I wish I can reach out to you, to tell you to leave everything behind for just one day. I'm not sure what I would do but the details don't matter. What matters is getting you away for just a day. Just one day where you don't have to worry about school, work, co-workers, responsibilities, and live within the moment. 

Know clearly that I have been hurt, my heart in pieces and my scars still fresh. 

But for anyone out there reading this, please put yourself in this girl's shoes. I have left out many details. Think of her as someone who has had to walk a long journey to be where she is today, someone who under much pressure has had to persevere with loneliness and her own fears. Sometimes, there are things in life that just don't make sense. The bookish girl who came into my life. Because she lives with a heavy burden, I try my best to not add to that. Although she is not perfect, please try and understand where she is coming from. I know I have to continually try to understand. Although she is not perfect, although things have not ended well for me, please try and understand.