2L
Although this entry was drafted on May 7th, it is only today that I have chosen to publish it. Even though this is a published entry, it is an entry that I don't feel is finished - much like how the course of my friendship with a friend from law school feels unfinished.
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Now, after spending a second year in law school, I can say in no uncertain terms that I am in shape. I'm not sure if I am in the best shape of my life (I felt more spry when I was performing musicals) but I am without a doubt, the strongest I have ever been. Not counting the two weeks without seeing a gym floor while studying for finals, I have pushed myself to a point where I did not know I could go. I am stronger, faster, physically tougher than I have ever been. Boundaries? I am no where near any boundary.
But I haven't found as much success with my other two goals. Reconnecting with old friends is tough when everyone lives far away and you spend 60 - 80 hours a week doing law related work. I did spend a few days of winter break with the Big Mac Crew and it was fun. After six years, we all still do the same things when we get together. The Crew will never change.
Without a doubt, pushing myself beyond my bubble has been challenging. However, my failures make my successes that much sweeter. Plenty of 1Ls know me. I think they see me as this happy, organized, smart and successful 2L. I won't indulge them in the truth. What's more rewarding though is that I have a slightly deeper connection with a few other students in the school. I wouldn't say we're best buddies (nor would I allow myself to fall into that trap) but it helps pass the time. The truly rewarding thing though is stopping for a moment and savoring the kindness of a complete stranger. These people are not obligated to do anything for me. Yet they give what we all need: knowledge that someone cares.
But I digress. I crack a pity smile because my last entry of my 1L year was themed as being bittersweet. It was bittersweet because I got bad grades. It was bittersweet because I felt alone. It was bittersweet because I had too much to do. It was bittersweet because I learned the law school game a little to late. It was bittersweet because the things that made me happy were far and few in between.
This year, this last entry of my 2L year is also bittersweet. I succeeded in varying degrees to meet my goals. I am better at playing the law school game. Nonetheless, one constant throughout my 2L year has been...her. I know. I promised myself not to post anything else like this here any further but no "last entry of my 2L year" would be complete without proper treatment of some of my missteps in life.
Really, where do I begin? So much of this year has gone wrong and I can't help but know that I put all that into motion. Am I angry at her? No. Do I blame her for how she's reacted to my feelings? Not really. Can I understand how she feels? I've tried. However, at the very least, I think I deserve an explanation. It hasn't been fair to me. One moment I thought she was the one friend I can rely on during law school. The next moment, I find our friendship in tatters.
It seemed fitting that on my last day of law school, I ran into her, not once, but twice. If anything, it was a reminder of how far our friendship has fallen apart. But most of all, it just hurts. It hurts when I think back to all the good times we shared. It hurts that I can't be a part of her life any longer. It hurts every time I think about how long we have spent not being friends.
If she would talk to me, I wouldn't know where to begin. Again, if you could see me right now, I can only give myself a pity smile. Why? Why treat me this way? Does it make you feel better?
I can try to understand how you must feel. But if there is one thing I cannot understand, it's how you've been able to, with a flip of a switch, decide that I am no longer your friend. I don't know what must have gone through your mind when you decided I was no longer your friend. Maybe you thought you had too many things to do and I was being a distraction to you. Maybe you thought it best for the both of us that we not be friends. And that's the thing. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know how you feel any longer. I've never known exactly why you decided we should no longer be friends. You've left me with so many questions but so few answers.
I don't know what to do anymore. And so I set out on this world, wounded and scarred. You've left me wondering where I went wrong. If I am sitting alone somewhere, looking downcast and dejected, I am more likely than not, thinking about...what could have been. It was as if it was yesterday that we were the best of friends. Suddenly, you had to go. Now, my heart is heavy and all I can think about is what could have been. If only you could see
But it's time to face the truth, we will never be friends again.
