I just wanted to clarify something. No disrespect to Emmy Rossum when I only mentioned that she is hot. She is more than just hot - she is smart, beautiful, and talented. Plus based on some her comments to her fan mail on her website, she seems like a genuinely down to earth person who likes to be silly sometimes and other times would just like to veg out on the couch for a good movie.
So yea, more than just "hot." Much much more. =)
Ok, so maybe not my muse. That may be a little too far a stretch since Emmy Rossum, although a fine actress and singer, is not on the same level as a Meryl Streep. However, I did rediscover why I liked Rossum in the first place. She's hot! Check out her music video HERE. And no, I am not a shill for Universal Studios. I just found her interpretation of Christine in Phantom of the Opera to be intoxicating.
On a slightly different artistic note, I'm also consumed by two songs at the moment - 1973 by James Blunt and Yesterday by The Beatles. Dunno why. Have a listen for yourself if you have the time.
The one person I've been talking to recently about my troubles has incidentally run into some personal troubles herself. Oddly enough, we found out that the both of us listen to foreign music when upset.
However, unlike my friend who listens to foreign tunes to get away from how she feels (because she can't understand what the song is about) I listen to foreign tunes for their depressing tune. I also listen to good'ol English tunes for their depressing message. It's really strange, when depressed, I listen to depressing songs and for some reason, a part of me likes it that the songs put me in an even more depressed mood. There has got to be a word for that.
On a slightly brighter note, I typically work out a lot when consumed in thought. Working out helps put a stop to all my thoughts. I typically don't think when physically drained.
Also, as was mentioned in an earlier post, a part of me relishes the fact that some people may be reading into my thoughts. However, I doubt that's the case anymore since anyone who even knew about this place probably doesn't care enough anymore. So that part of me that relishes the thought that someone else out there knows how I feel is probably feeling quite depressed. At the same time, a different part of me is relieved that now I have the place all to myself.
If you've read this far, you've most likely come to the conclusion that I am indeed a very convoluted individual. Convoluted may be too nice a word but hey...deal with it.
It looks as if I've done more harm than good. I was confused, angered, and hurt. I don't really know where I went wrong but somewhere along this twisting road of life, I lost a friend. Can just wanting to be someone's friend hurt so much?
It's sort of like reaching the end of a good drama. You purposely try to slow down, watch the last episode over and over, just to postpone the inevitable. But eventually, it has to end.
Ain't life interesting? As soon as I have one issue, an older issue rears its ugly head again. A few posts ago I mentioned this: The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face.
Yea well, that person from that "last time" came roaring back into my life.
Jeez, after re-reading my last post, again I am conflicted. The tough side of me just smacked me upside my head saying "what was all that drivel about? Are you emo? Quit your whinning and get back to work!" Whereas the...softer side of me, after re-reading my last post said "You know what, you could expound a bit more here and there but overall, that was some pretty nice prose"
I'll probably have a "Conflicted...and in the alternate: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde part III" tomorrow. Heck, this could be a running series because I carry dualities in my life.
It's strange. I have been staring at this screen for 5 minutes, unable to turn into words what has been in the back of my mind for the last several days. I may be consumed with other activities, ideas, people, but there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about...stuff.
I also can't help but look at a message left for me earlier. It embodies the conflict in my mind. In that message that was left for me, I see care, warmth, companionship, and happiness among other things. But I also see anger, resentment, and insecurity.
Are we at a point in our relationship where our only mode of communication is through cryptic messages left for each other? Can we not even for a moment lock our eyes on one another? Are we that afraid of each other? Are we afraid we might hurt one another even further? Or is it that we can't come to terms with our own demons? Perhaps it is all of the above.
It's interesting that I say that because this journal was once a place where my ideas theoretically could flow freely. Now though, I know there is at least one person out there that is reading this. And again, I am conflicted. A part of me feels I should hold back and not let my ideas burst through. But another part of me doesn't mind that someone else out there is reading my ideas - in fact, this part of me absolutely relishes the fact that someone else out there knows almost exactly how I feel.
The question now is what to do about how I feel. The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face. So, with some past experience, I've wondered whether it would be better to cut my losses now and save the both of us from all this drama. You go your way and I'll go mine.
But every time that idea crosses my mind, I scold myself. Whether out of fear of the future or nostalgia for a time not too far removed from the present, I cannot have myself thinking of cutting my losses.
This forces me to go back in time and think of all the things that I have been told have hurt her. Adjectives such as arrogance, domineering and insensitive are thrown around liberally. I dig deeper to find instances of my foibles but (as some would cynically say is due to my arrogance) I cannot find any major instances of arrogance, dominance, or insensitivity. She said that others have noticed my foibles but I have asked around and the responses I have gotten have been a resounding no. No, I am not arrogant. No, I am not domineering. No, I am not insensitive.
Although comforting to know that there are other people out there that do not see me as an arrogant, domineering, insensitive guy, it is all for naught if she feels this way. If I am to understand her I must understand her reality.
I do have come to a few conclusions.
(1) We look at our relationship from two opposing perspectives. She sees the negatives and highlights that in her heart. I however see only the positives in our relationship and I highlight those in my heart.
(2) We define friendship differently. She probably has a very small knit of friends and many people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. For her, a friend satisfies some need of hers when that need arises. I too have a very small knit of friends but I don't have people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. In fact, I have clearly defined groups of people. Family, friends, acquaintances, and others. A friend for me is someone to hang out with, share in ones life, building trust amongst one another, and provide comfort for when times are dark. I have an intuition of how she defines what a friend is but I dare not characterize it yet because frankly, I am still unsure at this point.
(3) I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. It is definitely possible that the both of us are too busy with our own thoughts to bother with the niceties of a relationship and in the process end up hurting each other.
(4) A relationship borne of controversy will have a controversial life cycle. What started out as an inquisitive game for me (and an annoying invasion of privacy for her) has evolved into something much more.
