Conflicted...and in the alternate: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's strange. I have been staring at this screen for 5 minutes, unable to turn into words what has been in the back of my mind for the last several days. I may be consumed with other activities, ideas, people, but there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about...stuff.

I also can't help but look at a message left for me earlier. It embodies the conflict in my mind. In that message that was left for me, I see care, warmth, companionship, and happiness among other things. But I also see anger, resentment, and insecurity.

Are we at a point in our relationship where our only mode of communication is through cryptic messages left for each other? Can we not even for a moment lock our eyes on one another? Are we that afraid of each other? Are we afraid we might hurt one another even further? Or is it that we can't come to terms with our own demons? Perhaps it is all of the above.

It's interesting that I say that because this journal was once a place where my ideas theoretically could flow freely. Now though, I know there is at least one person out there that is reading this. And again, I am conflicted. A part of me feels I should hold back and not let my ideas burst through. But another part of me doesn't mind that someone else out there is reading my ideas - in fact, this part of me absolutely relishes the fact that someone else out there knows almost exactly how I feel.

The question now is what to do about how I feel. The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face. So, with some past experience, I've wondered whether it would be better to cut my losses now and save the both of us from all this drama. You go your way and I'll go mine.

But every time that idea crosses my mind, I scold myself. Whether out of fear of the future or nostalgia for a time not too far removed from the present, I cannot have myself thinking of cutting my losses.

This forces me to go back in time and think of all the things that I have been told have hurt her. Adjectives such as arrogance, domineering and insensitive are thrown around liberally. I dig deeper to find instances of my foibles but (as some would cynically say is due to my arrogance) I cannot find any major instances of arrogance, dominance, or insensitivity. She said that others have noticed my foibles but I have asked around and the responses I have gotten have been a resounding no. No, I am not arrogant. No, I am not domineering. No, I am not insensitive.

Although comforting to know that there are other people out there that do not see me as an arrogant, domineering, insensitive guy, it is all for naught if she feels this way. If I am to understand her I must understand her reality.

I do have come to a few conclusions.
(1) We look at our relationship from two opposing perspectives. She sees the negatives and highlights that in her heart. I however see only the positives in our relationship and I highlight those in my heart.
(2) We define friendship differently. She probably has a very small knit of friends and many people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. For her, a friend satisfies some need of hers when that need arises. I too have a very small knit of friends but I don't have people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. In fact, I have clearly defined groups of people. Family, friends, acquaintances, and others. A friend for me is someone to hang out with, share in ones life, building trust amongst one another, and provide comfort for when times are dark. I have an intuition of how she defines what a friend is but I dare not characterize it yet because frankly, I am still unsure at this point.
(3) I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. It is definitely possible that the both of us are too busy with our own thoughts to bother with the niceties of a relationship and in the process end up hurting each other.
(4) A relationship borne of controversy will have a controversial life cycle. What started out as an inquisitive game for me (and an annoying invasion of privacy for her) has evolved into something much more.