My own stupidity gets me where I am

I lost my flash drive. I lost it the Wednesday before spring break. It contained things I could care less losing but it also contained some very sensitive data. I have pictures...less than flattering pictures of myself working a charity event. Trust me when I say that the charity event was designed in a way to result in unflattering pictures. I also have unclassified versions of my open letter and other personal documents and effects. I'm angry at myself for losing my flash drive. 

However, I'm very angry at myself for HOW I lost my flash drive. It was around 11 pm that night, I got a twinge that I absolutely needed to go to the gym and nothing would stop me. Actually, to be honest, that twinge was more me thinking about things I shouldn't. I wasn't thinking when I grabbed my keys and ID because I had also accidently grabbed my flash drive. From my apartment, I sprinted up a steep hill; breathing in the cold air; lungs gasping for a time out; and my eyes watering up as the wind crashed against my face. Within 5 minutes I was nearly at the gym when I realized I had my flash drive with me. It didn't matter, I barged into the gym like a man on a mission (I was) and decided to set a new personal best at the bench press. 

210 pounds. I decided to set personal bests for my abs, my biceps, my shoulders, my pull ups, anything and everything I could get my hands on. That night was really a blur, however I do remember that I felt extremely sick by the end of my workout. By the time I finished, I believe I still had my flash drive. But sometime between the end of my workout and when I walked home was when I lost it.

I'm angry at myself. Had I not resorted to thinking about things I shouldn't have, had I not decided to read about a life that has long decided it didn't care about me, I probably wouldn't have gone to the gym that night and then would not have lost my flash drive. I place the blame squarely on my shoulders. I should have known better. 

A few nights ago I dreamt that someone found my flash drive. But instead of doing the right thing and returning it to me, they decided to mass produce every embarrassing document and photo in that flash drive and post it for all at the law school and the university at large. The thought of my life, my weaknesses, my flaws and my deviancies being exposed scares me. You can have my flash drive, just delete the data and spare me your cruelty! 

But in a way, my fears have prompted me to live an even more narrowly focused life. I have found myself to be more accommodating than usual, more generous than usual, more compassionate and empathetic than usual. I have also found myself to be more erratic than usual. Is this how I react when my life can be destroyed by one person? I hope somebody somewhere is compassionate enough to do the right thing. I hope there is some power out there that will look over and protect me. At the very least, I hope that I can get through this with my reputation intact. This is a general sorry to society. I should be a better person and I am working on being a better person.