Ain't life interesting? As soon as I have one issue, an older issue rears its ugly head again. A few posts ago I mentioned this: The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face.
Yea well, that person from that "last time" came roaring back into my life.
Jeez, after re-reading my last post, again I am conflicted. The tough side of me just smacked me upside my head saying "what was all that drivel about? Are you emo? Quit your whinning and get back to work!" Whereas the...softer side of me, after re-reading my last post said "You know what, you could expound a bit more here and there but overall, that was some pretty nice prose"
I'll probably have a "Conflicted...and in the alternate: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde part III" tomorrow. Heck, this could be a running series because I carry dualities in my life.
It's strange. I have been staring at this screen for 5 minutes, unable to turn into words what has been in the back of my mind for the last several days. I may be consumed with other activities, ideas, people, but there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about...stuff.
I also can't help but look at a message left for me earlier. It embodies the conflict in my mind. In that message that was left for me, I see care, warmth, companionship, and happiness among other things. But I also see anger, resentment, and insecurity.
Are we at a point in our relationship where our only mode of communication is through cryptic messages left for each other? Can we not even for a moment lock our eyes on one another? Are we that afraid of each other? Are we afraid we might hurt one another even further? Or is it that we can't come to terms with our own demons? Perhaps it is all of the above.
It's interesting that I say that because this journal was once a place where my ideas theoretically could flow freely. Now though, I know there is at least one person out there that is reading this. And again, I am conflicted. A part of me feels I should hold back and not let my ideas burst through. But another part of me doesn't mind that someone else out there is reading my ideas - in fact, this part of me absolutely relishes the fact that someone else out there knows almost exactly how I feel.
The question now is what to do about how I feel. The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face. So, with some past experience, I've wondered whether it would be better to cut my losses now and save the both of us from all this drama. You go your way and I'll go mine.
But every time that idea crosses my mind, I scold myself. Whether out of fear of the future or nostalgia for a time not too far removed from the present, I cannot have myself thinking of cutting my losses.
This forces me to go back in time and think of all the things that I have been told have hurt her. Adjectives such as arrogance, domineering and insensitive are thrown around liberally. I dig deeper to find instances of my foibles but (as some would cynically say is due to my arrogance) I cannot find any major instances of arrogance, dominance, or insensitivity. She said that others have noticed my foibles but I have asked around and the responses I have gotten have been a resounding no. No, I am not arrogant. No, I am not domineering. No, I am not insensitive.
Although comforting to know that there are other people out there that do not see me as an arrogant, domineering, insensitive guy, it is all for naught if she feels this way. If I am to understand her I must understand her reality.
I do have come to a few conclusions.
(1) We look at our relationship from two opposing perspectives. She sees the negatives and highlights that in her heart. I however see only the positives in our relationship and I highlight those in my heart.
(2) We define friendship differently. She probably has a very small knit of friends and many people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. For her, a friend satisfies some need of hers when that need arises. I too have a very small knit of friends but I don't have people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. In fact, I have clearly defined groups of people. Family, friends, acquaintances, and others. A friend for me is someone to hang out with, share in ones life, building trust amongst one another, and provide comfort for when times are dark. I have an intuition of how she defines what a friend is but I dare not characterize it yet because frankly, I am still unsure at this point.
(3) I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. It is definitely possible that the both of us are too busy with our own thoughts to bother with the niceties of a relationship and in the process end up hurting each other.
(4) A relationship borne of controversy will have a controversial life cycle. What started out as an inquisitive game for me (and an annoying invasion of privacy for her) has evolved into something much more.
As I am writing this, one of the janitors at my law school library is logging online to look at porn. How do I know this?
Incident #1:
Janitor left computer as I arrived on scene to check something real quick online. Lo and behold, I open the browser and up pops a browser window for "HOT BLACK MILFs." W.T.F. Not wanting to be seen with a website like that, I quickly exit that browser window, do my quick (and clean) online search, and leave.
Incident #2:
Janitor is at the same computer again and as I walk from behind him, he notices me and shifts his body in such a way that he believed would obscure my view of the computer monitor. It didn't. What did I end up seeing? Two seconds of what seems to be an online webcam with some (big)girl on it.
I'm tempted to casually walk by this janitor again, just to see if he's searching for porn again. Hmm...brb.
It's okay to joke amongst friends. In fact, it's more than okay, it's natural. However, to hold a grudge against your friend and to go about characterizing your friend in a negative light to other people feels downright wrong.
Those other people don't know this friend. Those other people have no basis as to judge this friend. Yet, when they hear a supposed friend characterize that person in a negative light, those other people will lend credence to those statements. These other people would say to themselves, "if a friend, who knows this person better than I could say such things about this person, well then it must be true."
The more and more I think about the above two paragraphs, the more and more I feel sick to my stomach that a friend would do that to another friend. Of course for the imaginary reader out there, this friend who has been wronged is me. Duh. However, what really angers me is that if this situation were turned around, and say I was the person who characterized my friend in a negative light to others, this friend of mine would undoubtedly never speak to me again. She would go through a range of emotions, from shock to bitterness, to anger and then disgust. She would not only never speak to me again but never even acknowledge my existence.
How do I know all of this? Because she didn't acknowledge my existence due to a misunderstanding between the two of us. In fact, of all the actions she could have done, not even acknowledging my existence hurt the most.
But alas, I'm not her. And what do I do when I realize she has wronged me? I smile to her and I tell her I'm disappointed but that it's okay. What the hell?? It's NOT okay. Her actions have long term consequences. Consequences that I have to live with. For me to go about and tell her that it's okay was a boldfaced lie on my part. And deep down, I know why I lied too.
So not only am I angered by what she did, I'm even more angered at myself.
Ok, so I know I haven't posted in about three months and I have a lot to talk about but I have to say just one thing:
Huzzah! My law school friend (actually, she isn't a law school friend but a friend who just happens to go to law school with me) has finally conceded that I am in fact, NOT a stalker. Law school friend: 0; Me: 1. Yeah!
