Lots of things to think about but I think of this

So it is 8:27 A.M. on the day I am supposed to graduate. I decide to open up itunes and randomize the song. First song it landed on was "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt. Damn.

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel. 

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man. 

But I won't lose no sleep on that, 

'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true. 

I saw your face in a crowded place.

And I know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was, 

Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you. 

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true. 

There must be an angel with a smile on her face. 

When she thought up that I should be with you. 

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you. 

Okay, it's not that I'm going to be all suicidal but the song does hit a chord with me: it's time to face the truth, I will never be with her. Today marks the day that our path together will split, probably destined to never intersect again. 

And when I say that I will never be with her, I don't mean in a romantic way either. Love songs have a way with that. I just mean in a close-friend sort of way. 

The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast.

We shared some very good memories together. We also shared some really bad memories that snowballed towards the end. She's probably moved on and I think I've moved on as well. It doesn't mean, however, that it doesn't hurt when I think back to everything that has happened. 

Am I ready?

I am apprehensive.

I am wishful.

I am nostalgic.

I am regretful.

I am me. So what's new?

Its a strange feeling to have. I have one final tomorrow, I don't graduate until Friday, and yet I still have a 40 page paper to do by next Monday.

2L

Although this entry was drafted on May 7th, it is only today that I have chosen to publish it. Even though this is a published entry, it is an entry that I don't feel is finished - much like how the course of my friendship with a friend from law school feels unfinished. 

-----

I can't help but crack a pity smile when I think back to my last entry of my 1L year. I set out some goals: get in shape, reconnect with old friends, and push myself beyond my bubble. 

Now, after spending a second year in law school, I can say in no uncertain terms that I am in shape. I'm not sure if I am in the best shape of my life (I felt more spry when I was performing musicals) but I am without a doubt, the strongest I have ever been. Not counting the two weeks without seeing a gym floor while studying for finals, I have pushed myself to a point where I did not know I could go. I am stronger, faster, physically tougher than I have ever been. Boundaries? I am no where near any boundary. 

But I haven't found as much success with my other two goals. Reconnecting with old friends is tough when everyone lives far away and you spend 60 - 80 hours a week doing law related work. I did spend a few days of winter break with the Big Mac Crew and it was fun. After six years, we all still do the same things when we get together. The Crew will never change.

Without a doubt, pushing myself beyond my bubble has been challenging. However, my failures make my successes that much sweeter. Plenty of 1Ls know me. I think they see me as this happy, organized, smart and successful 2L. I won't indulge them in the truth. What's more rewarding though is that I have a slightly deeper connection with a few other students in the school. I wouldn't say we're best buddies (nor would I allow myself to fall into that trap) but it helps pass the time. The truly rewarding thing though is stopping for a moment and savoring the kindness of a complete stranger. These people are not obligated to do anything for me. Yet they give what we all need: knowledge that someone cares. 

But I digress. I crack a pity smile because my last entry of my 1L year was themed as being bittersweet. It was bittersweet because I got bad grades. It was bittersweet because I felt alone. It was bittersweet because I had too much to do. It was bittersweet because I learned the law school game a little to late. It was bittersweet because the things that made me happy were far and few in between. 

This year, this last entry of my 2L year is also bittersweet. I succeeded in varying degrees to meet my goals. I am better at playing the law school game. Nonetheless, one constant throughout my 2L year has been...her. I know. I promised myself not to post anything else like this here any further but no "last entry of my 2L year" would be complete without proper treatment of some of my missteps in life. 

Really, where do I begin? So much of this year has gone wrong and I can't help but know that I put all that into motion. Am I angry at her? No. Do I blame her for how she's reacted to my feelings? Not really. Can I understand how she feels? I've tried. However, at the very least, I think I deserve an explanation. It hasn't been fair to me. One moment I thought she was the one friend I can rely on during law school. The next moment, I find our friendship in tatters. 

It seemed fitting that on my last day of law school, I ran into her, not once, but twice. If anything, it was a reminder of how far our friendship has fallen apart. But most of all, it just hurts. It hurts when I think back to all the good times we shared. It hurts that I can't be a part of her life any longer. It hurts every time I think about how long we have spent not being friends. 

If she would talk to me, I wouldn't know where to begin. Again, if you could see me right now, I can only give myself a pity smile. Why? Why treat me this way? Does it make you feel better? 

I can try to understand how you must feel. But if there is one thing I cannot understand, it's how you've been able to, with a flip of a switch, decide that I am no longer your friend. I don't know what must have gone through your mind when you decided I was no longer your friend. Maybe you thought you had too many things to do and I was being a distraction to you. Maybe you thought it best for the both of us that we not be friends. And that's the thing. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know how you feel any longer. I've never known exactly why you decided we should no longer be friends. You've left me with so many questions but so few answers. 

I don't know what to do anymore. And so I set out on this world, wounded and scarred. You've left me wondering where I went wrong. If I am sitting alone somewhere, looking downcast and dejected, I am more likely than not, thinking about...what could have been. It was as if it was yesterday that we were the best of friends. Suddenly, you had to go. Now, my heart is heavy and all I can think about is what could have been. If only you could see 

But it's time to face the truth, we will never be friends again. 

Nostalgia for Analytically Fluffier Times

This was written sometime last week. I didn't want to post an edited version of my email until my professor had seen it first. She was a visiting professor that taught me property my first year. And yes, she does remember me =P

-----

Hi professor,

I don't know if you remember me but I was in your first year property class at [insert law school]. I just wanted to write and thank you for helping me "think like a lawyer." Right now I am reading an assignment for professional responsibility and in particular, I am learning about the gradual decline in interest for "cause lawyering" among law students and the author's contention that "thinking like a lawyer" is a possible reason for that decline. As a matter of disclosure, learning to think like a lawyer (and by no means am I done) has not dampened my interest in government/public interest law. It remains an option to consider.

But reading this article made me think back to our property class and some of the "hot" cases we went over like Moore v. UC Regents or Kelo v. City of New London. I remember in particular when you called on me to discuss Loretto v. Teleprompter. You had asked if the per se rule was a good ruling. I gave some fluff answer about how I felt, that the owner shouldn't mind b/c it's only one cable line. But looking back, I can't help but feel kinda stupid. I'm not saying I can cover all the pros and cons of the per se rule now, but I would have given a much better response than what I gave last year. Overall, a lot of these "hot" cases brought out emotional responses that don't seem to satisfy all sides.

Although learning this skill, to remove one's own preferences and apply the facts to the rules dispassionately to come to a certain conclusion is somewhat distasteful, I am strangely complacent. Maybe its because I think a lot of the value judgments that a case brings up ought to be settled by the legislature, or that value judgments have no one right answer, or perhaps something else. But whatever it is, I thought you did your best to push this lousy student to think much more analytically.

I also firmly believe that the smaller, more intimate classroom setting was a big factor in directing me to be more focused in my reasoning. The students got to know each other and to bounce ideas off one another. No student could hide behind other students and you were able to focus your attention on one particular student at a time. Plus it was about as organized as 300+ years of property case law can be. Out of the three classes I had that first semester in that dreaded first year of law school, your class has had the most lasting impact. Although I am only a 2L, although I still have a lot more to add to my foundation of skills before I can say I am a lawyer, I'd like to think I am on the right path and that you helped me (as well as anyone could have) in placing me on that right path. Thanks.

Best wishes from [insert geographical location],

[my name]

Law School Drama

LoL. FIGHT!

Instant update! Two girls caught in a verbal SMACKDOWN in the law school library. We take you live to the scene:

In the blue corner we have Girl #1, at 5'4" and weighing in at 120 lbs. with shoulder length brown hair tied in a ponytail fashion. And in the red corner we have Girl #2, at 5'4" and weighing in at 110 lbs. with black, shoulder length hair and glasses. Oh my goodness ladies and gentlemen, they are face to face, eye to eye and ready to rumble.

Girl #1: Shhhsh, you're in a library.

Girl #2: Hold on, I'll call you back. :: HANGS UP ::

Girl #2: What did you just say? Who are you to tell me what to do? I have family problems right now.

Girl #1: You're talking so loud that your voice is echoing through the hallways. Take the conversation outside. There are signs posted all over the library telling you not to use the phone. Either take your conversation someplace else or shut the phone up. :: STARE DOWN ::

Girl #2: You are seriously a bitch. :: STARE DOWN ::

Ladies and gentlemen, this verbal slugfest is getting ugly. Girl #1 is getting back to her seat in the library when, oh no, Girl #2 has the gumption to follow Girl #1 to her seat! Lets take you back live to the action!

Girl #2 (visibly agitated): You know, really, you are seriously a bitch! :: STARE DOWN ::

Girl #1 (visibly agitated/shaken): :: Smiles ::

:: Girl #2 leaves ::

Wow! 1Ls. Lets get the post fight interview with the ladies, shall we?

Girl #1: I can't believe what she did. Most people when I tell them to keep it down, they will instantly realize that they are on the phone and apologize. She had to shut her phone off and give me all this attitude. Then she followed me back to my seat and call me a bitch.

Me: It's ok. It's not worth it at all. Hey, us law students are all type As anyway!

Girl #1: Heh. I would seriously like to see her act like that when she's with a partner.

Unfortunately, Girl #2 is with her crew right now and we are unable to get you her post-fight reaction. However, if we can get you her comments, we will be sure to post an update. When you've been in the library long enough as I have, you get to see everything. From janitors surfing library computers for ghetto porn to this, the law school library is a proverbial jungle.

We take you back to your regularly scheduled programing. Thank you for tuning in.

Posting for postings sake? Alternate title: What the hell am I doing with my summer?

My headline says it all. Work is good. I now subconsciously add two spaces after every period because of how much work I've done as a legal intern at wherever I work at. Somehow I've managed to pump out a work product in a decent amount of time, but I try and "stretch" the amount of time I spend working just so that I don't get dumped with even more work. I try to limit what I do to one or two assignments per week - mind you I only work three days a week.

So the work life is good. But the social life sucks. It sucks so much that I don't even have a Korean drama to watch right now. Everyone is either busy, lives too far away, or is too much of an acquaintance for me to bother asking if they want to do something on X day or X weekend. The one silver lining in my social life is that I'm finally getting into shape. A combination of Wii Sports and working out at the gym 2-3 days a week has pumped me full of endorphins. Remember all the goals that I had set for myself a few months back? Yea, looks like I should ramp up my efforts or else goals 2 and 3 will not even be attempted this summer.

The Weight of the World is Off My Shoulders

Crim. Con. Torts. Done...almost. The hours and minutes leading up to my torts exam was like a rollercoaster ride, full of ups and downs. Amazingly, I felt very calm during my torts exam, which in hindsight may not be that great considering that everyone knows that the guy who came out of an exam thinking it wasn't too bad probably missed a couple of big issues. You know what, I probably did and interestingly enough I'm not too worried because I'm just glad I can see the finish line now.

However, in roughly two months time, I may need to pack up my bags. The subheading in my blog says "documenting development for hopefully the next three years". Hopefully I did not turn in a turd of an exam and torpedo any potential law career. I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror knowing I screwed up yet again.

Looking back at the past year, I can see that I've aged. I don't feel as spry as I used to. I smile less often. MY HAIR IS THINNER. The first day of law school was utterly bizarre and foreign. I did not understand many of the concepts nor the mannerisms, politics, and personalities that law school attracts. In fact, I still don't understand much. Maybe its the fact that I'm holed up in the library a lot now. I didn't do that my first semester and I found out that I study better while at the library. Or maybe its the work that one must do in order to just get an average grade in law school. Or maybe its because I don't really "know" any one person here while it seems as if many of my compatriots do at least "know" a few of their classmates. Whatever the case may be, I had some good times but I definitely also had a lot of bad times too.

I guess my first year can be summed up as bittersweet. It will be interesting what will be in store for me next year - assuming my grades get me through this first year. I really don't know what I want to do. I do have a few easily attainable goals for this summer though. 1) I want to get back in shape. 2) I want to reconnect with a few friends - the group of friends who I have known since elementary school. 3) This may be the most ambitious of my summer goals, but after a brief discussion with a study buddy of mine, I'd like to push my comfort zone out a bit more; step out of my bubble every once in a while; try not to seek comfort but to continually do...something. I'm not sure how successful I will be with this third goal, I've thought about similar things in the past but I never really pushed myself to step out of my bubble. At the very least, attempting to reach these goals will give me something to write about.

First year of law school? Au revoir.

T Minus 13 Hours Till Liftoff

So 13 hours from now I will have to take my Crim Law exam. With every letter I type the nervousness builds ever so slightly. To ease the nervousness, I can't help but think about the last few days leading up to this exam.

Last Friday, while working with my study buddy on Crim, lets just say a dental emergency necessitated that she be taken to a dentist immediately. Three hours, four calls, and several transfers along the way, we find out that no dentist is available and she would have to wait a while (read: three weeks) before she can see a dentist to help her. Ridiculous. Suffice to say, I didn't get a lot of studying done that day - although it was a sweet adventure.

Over the course of the last few days, I've gotten to know not only my study buddy but also myself. You know what, maybe I can do this. It may not be a question of if someone at this level can go through this work, but whether this person can persevere. I believe I can persevere. At the very least, by around 5 PM tomorrow, I will be done with Crim.

Oh and by the way, my study buddy will be praying for the both of us to do well on the exam tomorrow. I sure hope she puts me in her prayers. I should do the same for the both of us because it sure can't hurt to have an extra voice up there.

Lawyering, LGing, and Lacosteing

So finals are around the corner and I probably shouldn't be on here, but alas, I need to break away from the rigors of re-reading and re-deciphering my notes.

For those of you who check out engadget regularly, you may have seen this news article a few weeks back. Anyways, for posterity's sake, I am reposting the article's pictures on here as I find the model to be its best selling point =)

On a side note, I went home last week to find a couple of new Lacoste shirts. Unlike other polo shirt designers, Lacoste doesn't have that uneven hem design where you are basically forced to tuck your shirt in or look like a loon. Plus for some odd reason, Lacoste's measurments fit really well for me. It used to fit even better when I was fifteen-pounds heavier and had a thicker head of hair (I'm not sure how hair fits into this...). I really do have to thank law school for that. Much love to you Ms. Law School.

Law Review? More Like Water Torture!

So for the past four or five days, I've been preoccupied with a law review write-on competition. Woot! Basically, it was a nightmare! You're given about 500 pages to read (small-text) and then you're expected to write a coherent comment not to exceed 10 pages. Well, I didn't exceed 10 pages, that was the easy part. The hard part was everything else. Just reading through the packet was tough enough, but writing a semi-decent comment took every ounce of stamina I have left of this out of shape student.

I ended up staying awake for over 24 hours to just finish the comment - with a half hour to spare before I had to turn it in. Once the deed was done though, I spent the next 20 minutes acting like a dumbass, going into my gangsta routine, over-dramatic gyrations, and a few expletives to boot. Man it feels good to be a gangsta!

Just one of those days? Hopefully

My life is filled with work. I do nothing but work. No friends, no laughs, no sharing of insecurity. How do people make that connection and make it seem so easy to communicate with each other? Remembering what my old grade school report cards said, I can see that I need to work on "plays well with others". It's not that I don't play well with others, far from it. I just don't play. And since I've never played, when I try to, it's awkward since everyone is already amongst their own.

But then the question becomes, why do I want to play with others? I'm not "bringing anything to the table". It seems as if I am seeking out these relationships in order to feel a sense of belonging, a degree of care and humanity. Isn't that somewhat selfish of me though? To ask for a human connection because I feel lonely?

Whatever this feeling is, I sure hope I don't end up like these guys. Well, first of all, I need to be a lawyer, then I need to have a stinkin pile of cash locked away. Even then though, it seems awfully shallow of these people to narrow what they want to a single trait. What happens when that single, superficial trait - like time - fades away? Well, I'm being naive here. I'm thinking of a longer term relationship. Most likely, these nice folks are in it for the short term. If that's the case, to hell with time.

However, for the men, isn't it cheaper just to find an expensive hooker? Lets be honest here, the guys are there for attractive women they can either bed and/or have some long term relationship (with their money locked away in a prenup if they ever get married). So isn't a high priced hooker escort cheaper for these guys? As for the women, well, you can't rent a rich escort. But hey, if its good enough for the gander, it's good enough for the goose. Right?

1L Grades

During this time of year, law school grades finally come down the pipeline. Some students will be pleasantly surprised. Other students will feel disappointed. Especially true at this time of year is the uncertainty that may be felt by 1Ls since they have so little to base these grades on while so much depends on these grades.

There are two competing thoughts on 1L grades. Some think 1L grades are the most important of a law student’s career since these grades help determine summer employment and possibly employment throughout one’s law career. Others think 1L grades are not as important as many people make them to be. Whatever the case is, I believe it is important not to turn bad 1L grades into a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. Furthermore, I doubt there is a best way to approach such a situation, but what not to do is to give up. I’m not going to proselytize what makes a good lawyer, but I do know that no one can be a good lawyer if they give up so easily. For me, I plan to re-evaluate what happened in the first semester; what I did and did not do and what I can improve upon. I also plan to talk to my first semester professors and get their feedback.

Now, it’s time to practice what I preach and not turn my first semester experience into a self-fulfilling prophecy =)