Lots of things to think about but I think of this

So it is 8:27 A.M. on the day I am supposed to graduate. I decide to open up itunes and randomize the song. First song it landed on was "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt. Damn.

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel. 

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man. 

But I won't lose no sleep on that, 

'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true. 

I saw your face in a crowded place.

And I know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was, 

Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you. 

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true. 

There must be an angel with a smile on her face. 

When she thought up that I should be with you. 

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you. 

Okay, it's not that I'm going to be all suicidal but the song does hit a chord with me: it's time to face the truth, I will never be with her. Today marks the day that our path together will split, probably destined to never intersect again. 

And when I say that I will never be with her, I don't mean in a romantic way either. Love songs have a way with that. I just mean in a close-friend sort of way. 

The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast.

We shared some very good memories together. We also shared some really bad memories that snowballed towards the end. She's probably moved on and I think I've moved on as well. It doesn't mean, however, that it doesn't hurt when I think back to everything that has happened. 

Am I ready?

I am apprehensive.

I am wishful.

I am nostalgic.

I am regretful.

I am me. So what's new?

Its a strange feeling to have. I have one final tomorrow, I don't graduate until Friday, and yet I still have a 40 page paper to do by next Monday.

2L

Although this entry was drafted on May 7th, it is only today that I have chosen to publish it. Even though this is a published entry, it is an entry that I don't feel is finished - much like how the course of my friendship with a friend from law school feels unfinished. 

-----

I can't help but crack a pity smile when I think back to my last entry of my 1L year. I set out some goals: get in shape, reconnect with old friends, and push myself beyond my bubble. 

Now, after spending a second year in law school, I can say in no uncertain terms that I am in shape. I'm not sure if I am in the best shape of my life (I felt more spry when I was performing musicals) but I am without a doubt, the strongest I have ever been. Not counting the two weeks without seeing a gym floor while studying for finals, I have pushed myself to a point where I did not know I could go. I am stronger, faster, physically tougher than I have ever been. Boundaries? I am no where near any boundary. 

But I haven't found as much success with my other two goals. Reconnecting with old friends is tough when everyone lives far away and you spend 60 - 80 hours a week doing law related work. I did spend a few days of winter break with the Big Mac Crew and it was fun. After six years, we all still do the same things when we get together. The Crew will never change.

Without a doubt, pushing myself beyond my bubble has been challenging. However, my failures make my successes that much sweeter. Plenty of 1Ls know me. I think they see me as this happy, organized, smart and successful 2L. I won't indulge them in the truth. What's more rewarding though is that I have a slightly deeper connection with a few other students in the school. I wouldn't say we're best buddies (nor would I allow myself to fall into that trap) but it helps pass the time. The truly rewarding thing though is stopping for a moment and savoring the kindness of a complete stranger. These people are not obligated to do anything for me. Yet they give what we all need: knowledge that someone cares. 

But I digress. I crack a pity smile because my last entry of my 1L year was themed as being bittersweet. It was bittersweet because I got bad grades. It was bittersweet because I felt alone. It was bittersweet because I had too much to do. It was bittersweet because I learned the law school game a little to late. It was bittersweet because the things that made me happy were far and few in between. 

This year, this last entry of my 2L year is also bittersweet. I succeeded in varying degrees to meet my goals. I am better at playing the law school game. Nonetheless, one constant throughout my 2L year has been...her. I know. I promised myself not to post anything else like this here any further but no "last entry of my 2L year" would be complete without proper treatment of some of my missteps in life. 

Really, where do I begin? So much of this year has gone wrong and I can't help but know that I put all that into motion. Am I angry at her? No. Do I blame her for how she's reacted to my feelings? Not really. Can I understand how she feels? I've tried. However, at the very least, I think I deserve an explanation. It hasn't been fair to me. One moment I thought she was the one friend I can rely on during law school. The next moment, I find our friendship in tatters. 

It seemed fitting that on my last day of law school, I ran into her, not once, but twice. If anything, it was a reminder of how far our friendship has fallen apart. But most of all, it just hurts. It hurts when I think back to all the good times we shared. It hurts that I can't be a part of her life any longer. It hurts every time I think about how long we have spent not being friends. 

If she would talk to me, I wouldn't know where to begin. Again, if you could see me right now, I can only give myself a pity smile. Why? Why treat me this way? Does it make you feel better? 

I can try to understand how you must feel. But if there is one thing I cannot understand, it's how you've been able to, with a flip of a switch, decide that I am no longer your friend. I don't know what must have gone through your mind when you decided I was no longer your friend. Maybe you thought you had too many things to do and I was being a distraction to you. Maybe you thought it best for the both of us that we not be friends. And that's the thing. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know how you feel any longer. I've never known exactly why you decided we should no longer be friends. You've left me with so many questions but so few answers. 

I don't know what to do anymore. And so I set out on this world, wounded and scarred. You've left me wondering where I went wrong. If I am sitting alone somewhere, looking downcast and dejected, I am more likely than not, thinking about...what could have been. It was as if it was yesterday that we were the best of friends. Suddenly, you had to go. Now, my heart is heavy and all I can think about is what could have been. If only you could see 

But it's time to face the truth, we will never be friends again. 

I've been on vacation since week 10

When I say I am tired, I mean I am tired. Lets recap because I think it's been an eventful last couple of weeks

[Insert law school organization here]
I have spent the last few weeks helping organize my organization's end of the year banquet. Long story short, there was a lot of miscommunication between the organizing committee, the venue, the school accounting office and me, the treasurer.

The venue, claiming they have done business with our school before, has always demanded, and according to them, has always received 100% payment up front. However, school wide policy allows for a deposit of 50% of total costs and final payment only after services have been rendered.

The organizing committee "secured" a venue, food and labor. Unfortunately for me, when I said the organizing committee had "secured" the venue, I mean the organizing committee DID NOT secure the venue. By the time I learned of this, our organization had already sent out invitations and had already placed a deposit with the venue.

I, the treasurer, had to mediate the demands of the organizing committee, the venue, and the school. However the venue was not very pleasant to deal with. The demanded 100% payment up front or else. Yes. Or else. My conversations with the venue manager was very unpleasant to say the least. Actually, to be more descriptive, he was a fat, shady old guy with a mustache who encouraged me to falsify documents with my school in order for him to get 100% payment up front.

Here a protip for everyone: Be very cautious of men with mustaches. They are very cunning. In all my business dealings with people, it's the guys with mustaches that are always out to screw you. I see a mustache as a manifestation of their personality to hide their true intentions.

Knowing that the venue was not being very understanding and the fact that our banquet was in 5 days, I immediately seeked out alternate venues to have our banquet. I found one and negotiated a price and payment plan that weekend for $4250.

With three days before the banquet, me, the president of my organization, and the director of our organizing committee met with the manager of the venue to come to some sort of an agreement. The manager quickly gave in and accepted my school's demands of 50% payment up front and 50% payment after services are rendered. Nice. Got one of my goals. However, at the same time I finally learned that the venue would be charging us $8500 for the banquet.

$8500??!?! Shit. We first decided we had to cut some things out of the contract to lower costs. That only brought us down to about $6500. We were still way over budget and way over what the alternate venue would have charged us. The manager of the venue said, "look, I can't move you to any other room because they are booked. Where ever you go at this point, you will have to come back. It [the $6500 price] is a very good deal." It was at this point that I realized that the manager of the venue was stuck with us as well. If we skipped out on him, he would lose out on the opportunity of making money off of our business. This was when I really went to work.

I told the manager of the venue that unlike what he believed was the case, there was an alternate venue that my organization can fall back on. Not only was this venue cheaper but it would provide a 10 course meal rather than 1. Parking is provided for and wine is included in this lower price point.

We negotiated back and forth until the manager finally gave in and offered to give us 1) the venue, 2) a dinner, and 3) a wait staff for $4500. It was a good deal in my opinion and I took the deal. It just took over three hours of sitting in a dank room negotiating with a fat old man to bring down the price from $8500 to $4500.

Looking back though, I probably could have gotten a slightly better offer. I had told the manager that the alternate venue gave us a $4250 offer. I should have just told the manager the alternate venue gave us a $4000 offer. This would have forced the manager to come even closer to the "offered" price. I also should have given the manager the option of meeting me half way between the $4000 price point and his offer of $4500. This would have saved my organization a little more money.

But overall, I think my organization got most of what it wanted. I would give myself a B+ for my negotiating that day. I got most of what I was seeking but 1) I could have gotten a slightly better price and 2) I need to learn how to better control my emotions. I can be a very angry person and it showed that day. I had my arms folded around in front of me and a scowl on my face that would make a baby bunny cry. However, can you really blame me? I blame it on sitting in the same dank room with a shady mustachioed fat guy for over three hours.

My own stupidity gets me where I am

I lost my flash drive. I lost it the Wednesday before spring break. It contained things I could care less losing but it also contained some very sensitive data. I have pictures...less than flattering pictures of myself working a charity event. Trust me when I say that the charity event was designed in a way to result in unflattering pictures. I also have unclassified versions of my open letter and other personal documents and effects. I'm angry at myself for losing my flash drive. 

However, I'm very angry at myself for HOW I lost my flash drive. It was around 11 pm that night, I got a twinge that I absolutely needed to go to the gym and nothing would stop me. Actually, to be honest, that twinge was more me thinking about things I shouldn't. I wasn't thinking when I grabbed my keys and ID because I had also accidently grabbed my flash drive. From my apartment, I sprinted up a steep hill; breathing in the cold air; lungs gasping for a time out; and my eyes watering up as the wind crashed against my face. Within 5 minutes I was nearly at the gym when I realized I had my flash drive with me. It didn't matter, I barged into the gym like a man on a mission (I was) and decided to set a new personal best at the bench press. 

210 pounds. I decided to set personal bests for my abs, my biceps, my shoulders, my pull ups, anything and everything I could get my hands on. That night was really a blur, however I do remember that I felt extremely sick by the end of my workout. By the time I finished, I believe I still had my flash drive. But sometime between the end of my workout and when I walked home was when I lost it.

I'm angry at myself. Had I not resorted to thinking about things I shouldn't have, had I not decided to read about a life that has long decided it didn't care about me, I probably wouldn't have gone to the gym that night and then would not have lost my flash drive. I place the blame squarely on my shoulders. I should have known better. 

A few nights ago I dreamt that someone found my flash drive. But instead of doing the right thing and returning it to me, they decided to mass produce every embarrassing document and photo in that flash drive and post it for all at the law school and the university at large. The thought of my life, my weaknesses, my flaws and my deviancies being exposed scares me. You can have my flash drive, just delete the data and spare me your cruelty! 

But in a way, my fears have prompted me to live an even more narrowly focused life. I have found myself to be more accommodating than usual, more generous than usual, more compassionate and empathetic than usual. I have also found myself to be more erratic than usual. Is this how I react when my life can be destroyed by one person? I hope somebody somewhere is compassionate enough to do the right thing. I hope there is some power out there that will look over and protect me. At the very least, I hope that I can get through this with my reputation intact. This is a general sorry to society. I should be a better person and I am working on being a better person.

Nostalgia for Analytically Fluffier Times

This was written sometime last week. I didn't want to post an edited version of my email until my professor had seen it first. She was a visiting professor that taught me property my first year. And yes, she does remember me =P

-----

Hi professor,

I don't know if you remember me but I was in your first year property class at [insert law school]. I just wanted to write and thank you for helping me "think like a lawyer." Right now I am reading an assignment for professional responsibility and in particular, I am learning about the gradual decline in interest for "cause lawyering" among law students and the author's contention that "thinking like a lawyer" is a possible reason for that decline. As a matter of disclosure, learning to think like a lawyer (and by no means am I done) has not dampened my interest in government/public interest law. It remains an option to consider.

But reading this article made me think back to our property class and some of the "hot" cases we went over like Moore v. UC Regents or Kelo v. City of New London. I remember in particular when you called on me to discuss Loretto v. Teleprompter. You had asked if the per se rule was a good ruling. I gave some fluff answer about how I felt, that the owner shouldn't mind b/c it's only one cable line. But looking back, I can't help but feel kinda stupid. I'm not saying I can cover all the pros and cons of the per se rule now, but I would have given a much better response than what I gave last year. Overall, a lot of these "hot" cases brought out emotional responses that don't seem to satisfy all sides.

Although learning this skill, to remove one's own preferences and apply the facts to the rules dispassionately to come to a certain conclusion is somewhat distasteful, I am strangely complacent. Maybe its because I think a lot of the value judgments that a case brings up ought to be settled by the legislature, or that value judgments have no one right answer, or perhaps something else. But whatever it is, I thought you did your best to push this lousy student to think much more analytically.

I also firmly believe that the smaller, more intimate classroom setting was a big factor in directing me to be more focused in my reasoning. The students got to know each other and to bounce ideas off one another. No student could hide behind other students and you were able to focus your attention on one particular student at a time. Plus it was about as organized as 300+ years of property case law can be. Out of the three classes I had that first semester in that dreaded first year of law school, your class has had the most lasting impact. Although I am only a 2L, although I still have a lot more to add to my foundation of skills before I can say I am a lawyer, I'd like to think I am on the right path and that you helped me (as well as anyone could have) in placing me on that right path. Thanks.

Best wishes from [insert geographical location],

[my name]

Squibs of the Day: 03.09.08

* Apparently, even more 1Ls than I thought know who I am. The one downside to everyone knowing who you are but not knowing you is that they call you by your first and last name. It's like seeing a celebrity on the street: "look, it's Diane Keaton" or "hey, isn't that Tom Cruise?" At least these 1Ls hosted a nice party. 

* I am way behind in my studying. 

* I might have a job lined up. Whatever, I'll just go with the flow and see where it takes me. 

* This morning, seeing two ants - the only two ants in the area - crawling in opposite directions, slowly growing further and further apart until it is most likely the case that they will never cross paths again. Just some food for thought and maybe somewhat interesting. 

Modes of Destruction

So yesterday, after (1) working in the library till 10:30 and seeing my reflection in the window and (2) nearly getting run over by a car speeding down a street at 60 mph while in the rain (at least the girls were the cute sorority type and gave the "I'm sorry" hand gesture), I should change things up (or destroy myself). 

* Picked up smoking. Put down smoking after three puffs. 

* Started drinking. Puked 4 hours later. But because I picked a drink with a low alcohol content, I only puked once and only suffered minimal itchiness. 

* Seriously considered the stripper pole while at that club. Minus 20 law school reputation points =P

* WANT! I feel like I should spend liberally. Spend, spend SPEND! 

* Had a passing thought about quitting law school. We'll see after this summer. Credit rating destroyed!

* Thinking about growing my hair out a bit. Just the top part of my head while keeping everything else trim. Don't know how to really describe it. 

* Putting the workouts into overdrive. I've been stagnating. Plus I need to make up for all the self-destruction I will be doing. Really focusing on the abs now. Overall, I'm 35% there. Whatever, "there" may be. 

* Perhaps some dark framed glasses to go along with the longer hair. I'll be emo-ing in law school (wow, I wrote this and I thought I saw elmo-ing in law school. Weird).  

Update (02.25.08 @ 10:45 PM):  Ok, yea. A lot of those things up there really show how screwed up I am. But it's just something I'm going through. Maybe the hair will work out through, no? 

Law School Drama

LoL. FIGHT!

Instant update! Two girls caught in a verbal SMACKDOWN in the law school library. We take you live to the scene:

In the blue corner we have Girl #1, at 5'4" and weighing in at 120 lbs. with shoulder length brown hair tied in a ponytail fashion. And in the red corner we have Girl #2, at 5'4" and weighing in at 110 lbs. with black, shoulder length hair and glasses. Oh my goodness ladies and gentlemen, they are face to face, eye to eye and ready to rumble.

Girl #1: Shhhsh, you're in a library.

Girl #2: Hold on, I'll call you back. :: HANGS UP ::

Girl #2: What did you just say? Who are you to tell me what to do? I have family problems right now.

Girl #1: You're talking so loud that your voice is echoing through the hallways. Take the conversation outside. There are signs posted all over the library telling you not to use the phone. Either take your conversation someplace else or shut the phone up. :: STARE DOWN ::

Girl #2: You are seriously a bitch. :: STARE DOWN ::

Ladies and gentlemen, this verbal slugfest is getting ugly. Girl #1 is getting back to her seat in the library when, oh no, Girl #2 has the gumption to follow Girl #1 to her seat! Lets take you back live to the action!

Girl #2 (visibly agitated): You know, really, you are seriously a bitch! :: STARE DOWN ::

Girl #1 (visibly agitated/shaken): :: Smiles ::

:: Girl #2 leaves ::

Wow! 1Ls. Lets get the post fight interview with the ladies, shall we?

Girl #1: I can't believe what she did. Most people when I tell them to keep it down, they will instantly realize that they are on the phone and apologize. She had to shut her phone off and give me all this attitude. Then she followed me back to my seat and call me a bitch.

Me: It's ok. It's not worth it at all. Hey, us law students are all type As anyway!

Girl #1: Heh. I would seriously like to see her act like that when she's with a partner.

Unfortunately, Girl #2 is with her crew right now and we are unable to get you her post-fight reaction. However, if we can get you her comments, we will be sure to post an update. When you've been in the library long enough as I have, you get to see everything. From janitors surfing library computers for ghetto porn to this, the law school library is a proverbial jungle.

We take you back to your regularly scheduled programing. Thank you for tuning in.

Strange second day

Merely two days into Spring semester 08, I have fallen into a series of (mis)adventures. There I was, sitting in the first class lecture for securities regulation and realizing I am in way over my head. I barely even know what a security is let alone know all of the background knowledge that my fellow classmates knew. So what did I do? I logged online to find comfort in other law students! Here's the snippet: 

Me: yea, everyone in here looks like a gunner

Her: eep

Me: and i'm only a pistol

Me: =(

Her: HAHAHA

Her: i'm like a water pistol

Her: one of those nerf ones

Stupid me though had to buy a brand new securities regulation book that I am now unable to return because I took the book out of its shrink wrap. 

Again with the stupid theme. Being a master of procrastination-fu, I waited until now to sell some of my textbooks. I will only sell textbooks that I think are poorly authored and unfortunately, the bookstore would only offer me $10 per book I offered. Aside from their poor writing, the books are in good condition with little writing in them and I had bought them new. Oh well...the late bird does not get the worm. 

And now I am in a bind. Stick through with securities regulation? Take administrative law? Or take entertainment law? Decisions, decisons

I have nothing to do and it feels good

1.5 years done. Only 1.5 more years to go. However, I can guarantee you that 5 years from now I will look back and wish I were in law school rather than slogging through yet another day of work. College, whether that be at the undergraduate or graduate level has been both fun and enlightening. Here's to another wild 1.5 years! 

Backup support

While studying in the library for yet another final exam, a 1L came up to me last night to thank me for my Spring 2007 criminal law outline. To thank me for my outline?!?! What? Yup. How did he know who to thank? Well, my outline had my name on it and he took the liberty of looking up my picture in the law school's version of a yearbook. Apparently my outline is the most sought after and used outline for this 1L's criminal law class. The 1Ls go and add some stuff, change some other stuff and then take my name off of the outline and put their own name on the outline. Ha! 

It is rewarding to know that I helped make life a little less complicated for someone - let alone a group of people. I hope that everyone in that crim class can make it through the test they are working on right now. Godspeed! 

Reaching the end of a good drama

It looks as if I've done more harm than good. I was confused, angered, and hurt. I don't really know where I went wrong but somewhere along this twisting road of life, I lost a friend. Can just wanting to be someone's friend hurt so much?

It's sort of like reaching the end of a good drama. You purposely try to slow down, watch the last episode over and over, just to postpone the inevitable. But eventually, it has to end.

Conflicted...and in the alternate: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's strange. I have been staring at this screen for 5 minutes, unable to turn into words what has been in the back of my mind for the last several days. I may be consumed with other activities, ideas, people, but there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about...stuff.

I also can't help but look at a message left for me earlier. It embodies the conflict in my mind. In that message that was left for me, I see care, warmth, companionship, and happiness among other things. But I also see anger, resentment, and insecurity.

Are we at a point in our relationship where our only mode of communication is through cryptic messages left for each other? Can we not even for a moment lock our eyes on one another? Are we that afraid of each other? Are we afraid we might hurt one another even further? Or is it that we can't come to terms with our own demons? Perhaps it is all of the above.

It's interesting that I say that because this journal was once a place where my ideas theoretically could flow freely. Now though, I know there is at least one person out there that is reading this. And again, I am conflicted. A part of me feels I should hold back and not let my ideas burst through. But another part of me doesn't mind that someone else out there is reading my ideas - in fact, this part of me absolutely relishes the fact that someone else out there knows almost exactly how I feel.

The question now is what to do about how I feel. The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face. So, with some past experience, I've wondered whether it would be better to cut my losses now and save the both of us from all this drama. You go your way and I'll go mine.

But every time that idea crosses my mind, I scold myself. Whether out of fear of the future or nostalgia for a time not too far removed from the present, I cannot have myself thinking of cutting my losses.

This forces me to go back in time and think of all the things that I have been told have hurt her. Adjectives such as arrogance, domineering and insensitive are thrown around liberally. I dig deeper to find instances of my foibles but (as some would cynically say is due to my arrogance) I cannot find any major instances of arrogance, dominance, or insensitivity. She said that others have noticed my foibles but I have asked around and the responses I have gotten have been a resounding no. No, I am not arrogant. No, I am not domineering. No, I am not insensitive.

Although comforting to know that there are other people out there that do not see me as an arrogant, domineering, insensitive guy, it is all for naught if she feels this way. If I am to understand her I must understand her reality.

I do have come to a few conclusions.
(1) We look at our relationship from two opposing perspectives. She sees the negatives and highlights that in her heart. I however see only the positives in our relationship and I highlight those in my heart.
(2) We define friendship differently. She probably has a very small knit of friends and many people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. For her, a friend satisfies some need of hers when that need arises. I too have a very small knit of friends but I don't have people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. In fact, I have clearly defined groups of people. Family, friends, acquaintances, and others. A friend for me is someone to hang out with, share in ones life, building trust amongst one another, and provide comfort for when times are dark. I have an intuition of how she defines what a friend is but I dare not characterize it yet because frankly, I am still unsure at this point.
(3) I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. It is definitely possible that the both of us are too busy with our own thoughts to bother with the niceties of a relationship and in the process end up hurting each other.
(4) A relationship borne of controversy will have a controversial life cycle. What started out as an inquisitive game for me (and an annoying invasion of privacy for her) has evolved into something much more.

Sexual Escapades

As I am writing this, one of the janitors at my law school library is logging online to look at porn. How do I know this?

Incident #1:
Janitor left computer as I arrived on scene to check something real quick online. Lo and behold, I open the browser and up pops a browser window for "HOT BLACK MILFs." W.T.F. Not wanting to be seen with a website like that, I quickly exit that browser window, do my quick (and clean) online search, and leave.

Incident #2:
Janitor is at the same computer again and as I walk from behind him, he notices me and shifts his body in such a way that he believed would obscure my view of the computer monitor. It didn't. What did I end up seeing? Two seconds of what seems to be an online webcam with some (big)girl on it.

I'm tempted to casually walk by this janitor again, just to see if he's searching for porn again. Hmm...brb.

Stuff

Hmm, I make things harder on myself than it needs to be...

One of the many things to add to my "do not like" list

It's okay to joke amongst friends. In fact, it's more than okay, it's natural. However, to hold a grudge against your friend and to go about characterizing your friend in a negative light to other people feels downright wrong.

Those other people don't know this friend. Those other people have no basis as to judge this friend. Yet, when they hear a supposed friend characterize that person in a negative light, those other people will lend credence to those statements. These other people would say to themselves, "if a friend, who knows this person better than I could say such things about this person, well then it must be true."

The more and more I think about the above two paragraphs, the more and more I feel sick to my stomach that a friend would do that to another friend. Of course for the imaginary reader out there, this friend who has been wronged is me. Duh. However, what really angers me is that if this situation were turned around, and say I was the person who characterized my friend in a negative light to others, this friend of mine would undoubtedly never speak to me again. She would go through a range of emotions, from shock to bitterness, to anger and then disgust. She would not only never speak to me again but never even acknowledge my existence.

How do I know all of this? Because she didn't acknowledge my existence due to a misunderstanding between the two of us. In fact, of all the actions she could have done, not even acknowledging my existence hurt the most.

But alas, I'm not her. And what do I do when I realize she has wronged me? I smile to her and I tell her I'm disappointed but that it's okay. What the hell?? It's NOT okay. Her actions have long term consequences. Consequences that I have to live with. For me to go about and tell her that it's okay was a boldfaced lie on my part. And deep down, I know why I lied too.

So not only am I angered by what she did, I'm even more angered at myself.