Lots of things to think about but I think of this

So it is 8:27 A.M. on the day I am supposed to graduate. I decide to open up itunes and randomize the song. First song it landed on was "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt. Damn.

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel. 

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man. 

But I won't lose no sleep on that, 

'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true. 

I saw your face in a crowded place.

And I know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was, 

Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you. 

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true. 

There must be an angel with a smile on her face. 

When she thought up that I should be with you. 

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you. 

Okay, it's not that I'm going to be all suicidal but the song does hit a chord with me: it's time to face the truth, I will never be with her. Today marks the day that our path together will split, probably destined to never intersect again. 

And when I say that I will never be with her, I don't mean in a romantic way either. Love songs have a way with that. I just mean in a close-friend sort of way. 

The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast.

We shared some very good memories together. We also shared some really bad memories that snowballed towards the end. She's probably moved on and I think I've moved on as well. It doesn't mean, however, that it doesn't hurt when I think back to everything that has happened. 

Am I ready?

I am apprehensive.

I am wishful.

I am nostalgic.

I am regretful.

I am me. So what's new?

Its a strange feeling to have. I have one final tomorrow, I don't graduate until Friday, and yet I still have a 40 page paper to do by next Monday.

2L

Although this entry was drafted on May 7th, it is only today that I have chosen to publish it. Even though this is a published entry, it is an entry that I don't feel is finished - much like how the course of my friendship with a friend from law school feels unfinished. 

-----

I can't help but crack a pity smile when I think back to my last entry of my 1L year. I set out some goals: get in shape, reconnect with old friends, and push myself beyond my bubble. 

Now, after spending a second year in law school, I can say in no uncertain terms that I am in shape. I'm not sure if I am in the best shape of my life (I felt more spry when I was performing musicals) but I am without a doubt, the strongest I have ever been. Not counting the two weeks without seeing a gym floor while studying for finals, I have pushed myself to a point where I did not know I could go. I am stronger, faster, physically tougher than I have ever been. Boundaries? I am no where near any boundary. 

But I haven't found as much success with my other two goals. Reconnecting with old friends is tough when everyone lives far away and you spend 60 - 80 hours a week doing law related work. I did spend a few days of winter break with the Big Mac Crew and it was fun. After six years, we all still do the same things when we get together. The Crew will never change.

Without a doubt, pushing myself beyond my bubble has been challenging. However, my failures make my successes that much sweeter. Plenty of 1Ls know me. I think they see me as this happy, organized, smart and successful 2L. I won't indulge them in the truth. What's more rewarding though is that I have a slightly deeper connection with a few other students in the school. I wouldn't say we're best buddies (nor would I allow myself to fall into that trap) but it helps pass the time. The truly rewarding thing though is stopping for a moment and savoring the kindness of a complete stranger. These people are not obligated to do anything for me. Yet they give what we all need: knowledge that someone cares. 

But I digress. I crack a pity smile because my last entry of my 1L year was themed as being bittersweet. It was bittersweet because I got bad grades. It was bittersweet because I felt alone. It was bittersweet because I had too much to do. It was bittersweet because I learned the law school game a little to late. It was bittersweet because the things that made me happy were far and few in between. 

This year, this last entry of my 2L year is also bittersweet. I succeeded in varying degrees to meet my goals. I am better at playing the law school game. Nonetheless, one constant throughout my 2L year has been...her. I know. I promised myself not to post anything else like this here any further but no "last entry of my 2L year" would be complete without proper treatment of some of my missteps in life. 

Really, where do I begin? So much of this year has gone wrong and I can't help but know that I put all that into motion. Am I angry at her? No. Do I blame her for how she's reacted to my feelings? Not really. Can I understand how she feels? I've tried. However, at the very least, I think I deserve an explanation. It hasn't been fair to me. One moment I thought she was the one friend I can rely on during law school. The next moment, I find our friendship in tatters. 

It seemed fitting that on my last day of law school, I ran into her, not once, but twice. If anything, it was a reminder of how far our friendship has fallen apart. But most of all, it just hurts. It hurts when I think back to all the good times we shared. It hurts that I can't be a part of her life any longer. It hurts every time I think about how long we have spent not being friends. 

If she would talk to me, I wouldn't know where to begin. Again, if you could see me right now, I can only give myself a pity smile. Why? Why treat me this way? Does it make you feel better? 

I can try to understand how you must feel. But if there is one thing I cannot understand, it's how you've been able to, with a flip of a switch, decide that I am no longer your friend. I don't know what must have gone through your mind when you decided I was no longer your friend. Maybe you thought you had too many things to do and I was being a distraction to you. Maybe you thought it best for the both of us that we not be friends. And that's the thing. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know how you feel any longer. I've never known exactly why you decided we should no longer be friends. You've left me with so many questions but so few answers. 

I don't know what to do anymore. And so I set out on this world, wounded and scarred. You've left me wondering where I went wrong. If I am sitting alone somewhere, looking downcast and dejected, I am more likely than not, thinking about...what could have been. It was as if it was yesterday that we were the best of friends. Suddenly, you had to go. Now, my heart is heavy and all I can think about is what could have been. If only you could see 

But it's time to face the truth, we will never be friends again. 

Every word I say I say with earnest meaning

I thought this entry would have had a very different tone but once I turned thoughts into words, my anger and frustration gave way to what I have below. 

I don't know if she will ever read this but this is my way of expressing how I feel, to release some pent up feelings without burdening her any further. If she does read this, I hope she can see what I see. 

---

Only once before have I ever been in such a pitiable situation and only once before have I been this miserable. I believed and trusted you; I opened myself up with all my heart, something I had not done in a very long time. I don't know since when but you brought a smile to an otherwise cloudy day; brought my heart out of its shadows. Just when I thought the sky was the limit, my heart was broken so easily into a thousand pieces. 

You claimed that as a friend you would be there for me when I needed you. How naive I must have been because when I needed a friend the most; when I needed you the most, you were not there. With the click of a button, I was gone. Friend removed, buddy blocked, all traces of me erased - with a click of a button. How easy it must have been. 

I thought I had found a friend. More than that, I thought I had found someone I could lean on in an otherwise empty law school. But no friend would have treated me the way that I have been treated. 

You. You don't care about how I feel. 

It's amusing to realize that you are feeling exactly how I've felt all these months. I too watch the stars pass over me; have the rain beat down on me and not having anything or anyone to look forward to except my own bed. Like you, I come home empty and lost, prepare my dinner with no one to share it with. I've sat alone too many times, staring at the wall across from me; the empty seat across from me, screaming to be used. 

Call me arrogant, boastful, or full of it, but know this: it's a crock if you don't think I don't have a sense of how you feel. I don't need a journal to tell me that. Others may only see your disguise but I see the girl behind the mask. 

You're defensive, selfish, and hypocritical. When anyone criticizes you, you are quick in challenging them or justifying your actions. When someone or something catches your attention, the world around you, including the people who inhabit it become yesterday's news. You claimed "at the end of the day, if you need someone, I'm there". But the truth of the matter is you weren't. 

At the same time you have been extremely unselfish. Amusing as it may be it is not hard to distinguish. Your work is important and ought to be recognized. But the work takes its toll. 

What I get is that you never intended to be so friendly and give me a false sense of closeness. Fair enough. I get it. But to treat me like I am a pariah, to say that I am trustworthy but that I am arrogant and treat you without the respect you think you deserve within a single breath speaks more about your defensiveness than it does about you never intending to lull me into thinking we were all that close. If I were arrogant, would I still feel the way I do? If I treated you without respect, would I still care? 

It wasn't your initial "over friendliness" and subsequent withdrawal that has hurt me deeply. It wasn't when you shared time with other people that has hurt me deeply. I was hurt deeply when you stopped treating me like a friend. My heart was broken when you confirmed we were no longer friends.

I understand that you want to be by yourself sometimes. But that doesn't mean you needed to stop treating me like a friend. What really hurt and confused me was when you said you needed to be by yourself yet treated everyone around you the same as if nothing had happened. Me? I was left out. 

Would anyone notice if I were to disappear? Probably not. 

I must be a fool because through all this, I still care. I wish I can reach out to you, to tell you to leave everything behind for just one day. I'm not sure what I would do but the details don't matter. What matters is getting you away for just a day. Just one day where you don't have to worry about school, work, co-workers, responsibilities, and live within the moment. 

Know clearly that I have been hurt, my heart in pieces and my scars still fresh. 

But for anyone out there reading this, please put yourself in this girl's shoes. I have left out many details. Think of her as someone who has had to walk a long journey to be where she is today, someone who under much pressure has had to persevere with loneliness and her own fears. Sometimes, there are things in life that just don't make sense. The bookish girl who came into my life. Because she lives with a heavy burden, I try my best to not add to that. Although she is not perfect, please try and understand where she is coming from. I know I have to continually try to understand. Although she is not perfect, although things have not ended well for me, please try and understand.  

 

Reaching Out

I wish I can reach out to you. Although you may have thought otherwise, there are people out there that have sensed how you've felt for a long time now. I've sensed how you've felt for a long time now and can relate to how you feel. It's not just you that feels this way, but I cannot tell you that. It's not within my power to reach out to you anymore. It hurts so much to know that you've been hurting for so long and yet I am powerless to do anything about it. 

I will try and write my last Missteps in Life entry later. I am tired of how I feel and now, knowing that one of my concerns for you has materialized has made whatever I have felt for the last year trivial compared to how powerless I feel now. 

Overblown, Overhyped, Overreacted

Okayyyyy. Yea, about that last post, I think I overreacted. It just felt very odd that someone you trusted and cared about who pretty much did a 180 on you and is now within earshot of you yet acts as if she doesn't even know you. 

I'll carry my scars with greater restraint. I'll have to since I have no where else to go to study =)

Trapped in Turmoil

Lets cut the bull, I don't know what to do. My sanctuary has been breached and now I don't know what to do. Like a tumultuous fire creeping down a mountain, misery is creeping closer and closer and I am trapped and cannot escape. I don't know how to escape. The world is shining through the windows that are surrounding me, a world that once allowed me to escape the misery but escape now I cannot. Can my smile hide the turmoil that is surrounding my mind? Can my smile hide the misery creeping into my heart? My sanctuary has been breached by piercing eyes and now I don't know what to do. 

What can I do?

Same Mistake

---

Much like how this entry is wrapped by two positive (although somewhat strange) entries, once you peal away the smile, the enthusiasm, the eccentricity and the bravado, what you have left of me is this. Sometimes I feel as if its all a charade. 

(Untitled)

It's easy to be cruel when you've been hurt. It's becoming harder and harder to keep that in mind. The further I am pushed away the more I am hurt. It's as if time has stood still while my mind's eye focuses on the vast, piercing emptiness that developed inside myself. 

I came to law school with a few goals in mind, one of which was to create a few lasting, real friendships. I've failed. 

An open letter

This letter was written for someone and a few portions have been edited for privacy purposes. The edits do not take away from the message one bit. For posterity's sake, I am posting the letter on here. 

The letter was created on Tuesday, November 27th at 12:57 AM and last edited on Thursday, November 29th at 4:01 PM before I decided to send it off to its final destination. 

To .....,

Are we still friends? We have not spoken to one another in months. Ever since that easy day in August, it has not been the same between the two of us. I wanted to show you a picture I found, a picture I thought would be amusing to you. I never got the chance to do that. I smiled at you in the hallway and you walked past me without but a glance. When I talked to you at (PLACE), it was as if I was talking to a person who did not want anything to do with me. I was very hurt after that day but I rationalized all of it. At first, I thought it was nothing, that you were busy. But as time moved along, I began to wonder what had really happened. Is she ok? What’s going on in her mind? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? The distance between us now is so great that I often wonder how it got to be this way.

The litmus test as to whether I could figure out if you were still a friend was my birthday. I realized that my birthday was posted on facebook. I was going to take it off, not wanting all that attention (but a part of me did). However, I decided to leave it on there, hoping you would notice, and more importantly, wishing me a happy birthday. It would be a sign to me that our relationship still had a pulse. (DATE) came. I waited. As (DATE) drew nearer to its end, I became anxious. ‘Did she notice? Of course she did, she had to! If she did notice, then why didn’t she post anything?’ Then (DATE) became (DATE). ‘Does she still care?’ Does she still care? Does she feel even an ounce of how I feel about her? Does she still care?  

It was bittersweet that some of the people that I hardly even can call acquaintances wished me a happy birthday but for someone whom I had opened myself up to, trusted, and cared about; it was as if I did not exist. If that easy day in August was the most uplifting day for me in law school, my birthday was the most depressing day for me in law school. I’ve only felt that low once in my life before and that night was one of the darkest nights in a long time.

Why do you treat me so differently than everyone else? Even when we were “friends” you would treat me differently than other people. You smile and talk to other people but when I want to talk to you, it’s only a few words spoken between the both of us before you need to go somewhere else. Sometimes your eyes feel as if they are trying to read my every thought and sometimes your eyes give away how you feel. I may be wrong, but I’ve seen…I’ve seen something in your eyes that I have not seen between you and anyone else. It’s a very dark, cold feeling – your eyes.

In fact, you treat strangers better than you treat me. You seemingly want to have a conversation with strangers but when it’s with me, other than when it seemed like you needed my company, I was nothing more than a nuisance. It hurts to see that you can be so open and friendly with everyone else but I on the other hand get pushed out of your life entirely.

I’ve often felt stupid for how I’ve felt. Why should I care so much about how you are, whether you have too much work to do, or if you’ve had a happy day? I can say with near certainty that I don’t even exist in your world any longer so why should I feel this way towards you? I laugh with a twinge of sadness when I think back to when you openly tried to hide from me at the cocktail after the “(EVENT)” conference.

You said something a few months back about “sending [me] the wrong message.” I still don’t understand what you mean by that. What does it mean? Is just treating me like you treat 99.9% of all other people somehow sending me the wrong message? Heck, I’m at a point where I would grasp hold of an opportunity for you to even acknowledge my existence, let alone have you treat me on par with a stranger (or even your journal readers). I just don’t understand how being friends, laughing, and sharing in each others’ lives is somehow “sending the wrong message.” A friend somewhere told me that perhaps you don’t see me at the same “level” that I see you. If that’s the case, then I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for all the drama, arguments, bad times, mixed messages, but most of all, I’m sorry for seeing in you…something that probably was never there.

This dark place that I’ve been in has come and gone on several occasions. I specifically remember when I tried to “reconnect” with you once. I asked how you were and your response was short, if not curt. If anything, in this letter, I want to hear from you your thoughts. I’m tired of my own sneaking suspicions of how you see me. Can this relationship be saved? I don’t know. My heart says ‘yes’ but my mind says ‘no’. Am I nervous about what you will say? Not really. I’m sad, depressed, tired, but not nervous. I’ve spent too much time in this dark place to know nervousness. I just want this feeling to end. 

It’s interesting that I had a lot more to say in a much different manner but when I absolutely had to turn thoughts into words, I couldn’t. For some reason, I feel as if I’m missing something when writing this to you. I hope you don’t just click delete after reading this letter. I’ve tried to capture how I’ve felt through these months in these few words and in fact, portions of this letter have come from near moments where I truly felt like you hated me. Honestly, I would rather not write to you at this time; I do not want to burden you because it seems as if you are both happy and have a lot of things on your mind however after some thought, it’s better that I write to you now rather than let how I feel dwell through finals. Forgive my selfishness.

Sincerely,

.....

Depression through distraction

I shouldn't stay up this late because I am easily distracted at this time - easily distracted by things like facebook, which inevitably reminds me of what I am missing. 

Quick, I need a diversion before depressing thoughts consume me once again. Oh, before I go, I should note that I've realized that I usually write when I am depressed, so sorry for the sad tone to many of my posts. 

Romanticism gone wrong

So I decided to go to the beach. At midnight. With 50 degree temps. Alone. I figured it would be a good change of environment. I don't necessarily need to be alone because when I am home, I am alone. I just got sick of the four corners of my apartment and decided that a stroll along the beach would be therapeutic. In reality, it wasn't very therapeutic.

The drive to the beach was relaxing though. Nobody was on the road at midnight and I could drive on forever. In fact, the thought crossed my mind to drive all the way upstate. But my sensible half got the better of me and I decided to stick to my plan and just head to the beach.

By the time I get to the beach, pretty much everything there had closed down and it was pitch black, save for some street lights lining the beach. So I walk along the shore, thinking this is sort of cool. It was as if I was realizing a romanticized vision of myself. That didn't last long though.

I must have walked into doggy poo poo territory because the area I was in smelled...like crap. In fact there were signs posted all over the place, warning dog owners to pick up their dog's poo. I must have lucked out since I didn't step in any poo. Not only did the beach stink, there were plenty of...suspicious people hanging out in the parking lots around the beach, exchanging "pleasantries." I wouldn't recommend a girl to come to the beach alone at such a late hour.

Anyways, I figured I drove out here and I'm going to make my effort pay off. Screw the cold weather, the dog poop and the thugs. I strolled along the beach for about an hour before my sensible half got a hold of me again at around 2 AM and forced me back home.

Although the fantasy of strolling down a beautiful beach has been pierced, I don't regret going out there. It definitely was a change in environment and gave me something to write about.

Post-Halloween Post

If I had written this yesterday (or more precisely, at 2:30 AM this morning), I most likely would have written a melodramatic diatribe. But now...not so much. Therefore, this post will serve as a reminder of my state of self last night. I really don't know how I feel at this moment so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.

Spreading the negativity around

The one person I've been talking to recently about my troubles has incidentally run into some personal troubles herself. Oddly enough, we found out that the both of us listen to foreign music when upset.

However, unlike my friend who listens to foreign tunes to get away from how she feels (because she can't understand what the song is about) I listen to foreign tunes for their depressing tune. I also listen to good'ol English tunes for their depressing message. It's really strange, when depressed, I listen to depressing songs and for some reason, a part of me likes it that the songs put me in an even more depressed mood. There has got to be a word for that.

On a slightly brighter note, I typically work out a lot when consumed in thought. Working out helps put a stop to all my thoughts. I typically don't think when physically drained.

Also, as was mentioned in an earlier post, a part of me relishes the fact that some people may be reading into my thoughts. However, I doubt that's the case anymore since anyone who even knew about this place probably doesn't care enough anymore. So that part of me that relishes the thought that someone else out there knows how I feel is probably feeling quite depressed. At the same time, a different part of me is relieved that now I have the place all to myself.

If you've read this far, you've most likely come to the conclusion that I am indeed a very convoluted individual. Convoluted may be too nice a word but hey...deal with it.

Reaching the end of a good drama

It looks as if I've done more harm than good. I was confused, angered, and hurt. I don't really know where I went wrong but somewhere along this twisting road of life, I lost a friend. Can just wanting to be someone's friend hurt so much?

It's sort of like reaching the end of a good drama. You purposely try to slow down, watch the last episode over and over, just to postpone the inevitable. But eventually, it has to end.

A blast from the past

Ain't life interesting? As soon as I have one issue, an older issue rears its ugly head again. A few posts ago I mentioned this: The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face.

Yea well, that person from that "last time" came roaring back into my life.

Conflicted...and in the alternate: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

It's strange. I have been staring at this screen for 5 minutes, unable to turn into words what has been in the back of my mind for the last several days. I may be consumed with other activities, ideas, people, but there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about...stuff.

I also can't help but look at a message left for me earlier. It embodies the conflict in my mind. In that message that was left for me, I see care, warmth, companionship, and happiness among other things. But I also see anger, resentment, and insecurity.

Are we at a point in our relationship where our only mode of communication is through cryptic messages left for each other? Can we not even for a moment lock our eyes on one another? Are we that afraid of each other? Are we afraid we might hurt one another even further? Or is it that we can't come to terms with our own demons? Perhaps it is all of the above.

It's interesting that I say that because this journal was once a place where my ideas theoretically could flow freely. Now though, I know there is at least one person out there that is reading this. And again, I am conflicted. A part of me feels I should hold back and not let my ideas burst through. But another part of me doesn't mind that someone else out there is reading my ideas - in fact, this part of me absolutely relishes the fact that someone else out there knows almost exactly how I feel.

The question now is what to do about how I feel. The last time I was this consumed with an idea; feeling; intuition; it did not turn out very well. In fact, it blew up in my face. So, with some past experience, I've wondered whether it would be better to cut my losses now and save the both of us from all this drama. You go your way and I'll go mine.

But every time that idea crosses my mind, I scold myself. Whether out of fear of the future or nostalgia for a time not too far removed from the present, I cannot have myself thinking of cutting my losses.

This forces me to go back in time and think of all the things that I have been told have hurt her. Adjectives such as arrogance, domineering and insensitive are thrown around liberally. I dig deeper to find instances of my foibles but (as some would cynically say is due to my arrogance) I cannot find any major instances of arrogance, dominance, or insensitivity. She said that others have noticed my foibles but I have asked around and the responses I have gotten have been a resounding no. No, I am not arrogant. No, I am not domineering. No, I am not insensitive.

Although comforting to know that there are other people out there that do not see me as an arrogant, domineering, insensitive guy, it is all for naught if she feels this way. If I am to understand her I must understand her reality.

I do have come to a few conclusions.
(1) We look at our relationship from two opposing perspectives. She sees the negatives and highlights that in her heart. I however see only the positives in our relationship and I highlight those in my heart.
(2) We define friendship differently. She probably has a very small knit of friends and many people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. For her, a friend satisfies some need of hers when that need arises. I too have a very small knit of friends but I don't have people who are more than acquaintances but less than friends. In fact, I have clearly defined groups of people. Family, friends, acquaintances, and others. A friend for me is someone to hang out with, share in ones life, building trust amongst one another, and provide comfort for when times are dark. I have an intuition of how she defines what a friend is but I dare not characterize it yet because frankly, I am still unsure at this point.
(3) I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. It is definitely possible that the both of us are too busy with our own thoughts to bother with the niceties of a relationship and in the process end up hurting each other.
(4) A relationship borne of controversy will have a controversial life cycle. What started out as an inquisitive game for me (and an annoying invasion of privacy for her) has evolved into something much more.

Stuff

Hmm, I make things harder on myself than it needs to be...